We live in a world where advertisement has us mesmerized. You can't drive down the street without seeing a display of something that you do not already have. And that will always be, because even the richest person won't ever have it all.
We see pictures of places we have yet to travel to, things we don't own and qualities we will never posses.
We have all that we need but it's the things we want that drag us down. The person next to you will always have something you don't, and you them.
That is the source of the dark cloud that creeps in, hovers over our lives and causes we the people, who have so much, to feel poor and inferior.
I am constantly told by media and advertising that I'm not enough. I need a different body type, I need new clothes, I need to go to this place on the map and do this, then I'll be enough. Not so. I spend so many days in front of the mirror, focused on me. That inward focus brought me to an incredibly dark place. Instead of focusing on me and becoming a happy woman full of self worth I became an overtly insecure girl that refused to heed any advice but her own. Reaching inside myself for validation, affirmation, acceptance and love lead to my demise.
I had been brain washed, by the media yes, but really I think I brain washed myself. I was convinced that I had complete control of my life so I had to present myself as perfection at all times, in all ways and at all places. You could have told me that was impossible but I was so stuck on myself I thought I knew it all. My thought process was something like, "I'm going to become the best so no one can ever look down on me." But, time and time again I failed to live up to my own expectations. That pattern brought me to further depression.
I could make a list of all the bad things people did to me and blame them for the wave of depression that hit me. You would believe me. You would understand. But, I've learned with every step that focusing inward is what fueled my depression. People have treated me terribly and done things to me that required counseling but depression...that was all me. Because I cannot control how people treat me I can only control my response. Sitting in fear of the things that happened to me brings my focus inward to myself. Plotting revenge brings my focus inward. Un-Forgiveness brings my focus inward. I could spread terrible truths about these people in an attempt to make them feel just as low as I say they made me. OR I could own it. I could commit to what happened to me and commit to being better because of it.
For a long time I chose the first option which sent me in a downward spiral and one of the darkest places I've ever seen. I don't want to entertain those thoughts anymore.
I've learned and with every step I've learned that focusing on just me leads to self hate. I have decided to own my circumstances. Even though I don't live in a tunnel of all things perfect. I want to take ownership of everything that has happened to me. It's my story, it's who I am and that won't change. I have committed to accepting who I am and owning all of my life experiences.
Dear world, keep showing me what I'm not and I'll keep showing you who I am. I own that!